I’m probably wildly late on this one as, contrary to popular opinion, I don’t spend that much time trawling the internet for crap unless I’m hungover. And thus it was that the morning after SteveSane’s birthday party found me idly browsing what my mum, in conflation of the various advances in communications technology that now blight our modern lives, refers to as ‘YouFace’. Anyway this popped up by mistake after I was hoodwinked by what appeared to be a video of a naked lady but was in fact an appalling rundown of the latest viral meta-memes, i.e. videos of cats dancing. Amidst the gurgling babies and skateboarding canaries, one video caught my eye and seemed worthy of further investigation to ease my troubled head.
Basically it’s a bunch of dudes who put American news clips through the auto-tune treatment (as popularised by Kanye West, leading exponent of ludicrously self-aggrandising arrogance and dressing like a space clown). Unfortunately they themselves then jump into the resulting videos, but if you can get past the occasional facetious bit there are some gems in there. I particularly like the “very thin ice” theme, and I dig the way it frequently sounds like a soup of regurgitated parts of R Kelly’s ‘Trapped in the Closet’ but with added cries of “shortayyyy” over dribbling sentimental teenage sex beats - in short, exactly like an Usher song. The other great thing is how weird the US news is, auto-tune or no auto-tune: appalling jokes, senators debating the merits of turtle fences, Michael Jackson “waking up dead” etc. T-Pain is in one of them, Gordon Brown sings in another and all the US newsreaders are hot cougars. Sorry about all this, I’m mildly hungover today too.
My new favourite band. They’re sponsored by Jägermeister, and frankly anything that’s good enough for the manufacturers of Satan’s own late-night mistake juice is good enough for me.
Here’s a little something for anyone out there with self-esteem issues when it comes to picking up girls. We’ve all had our fair share of embarrassing moments, like the time I told a French chick that I’d asked for her number because she looked like an absolute slapper (long story, I was trying to impress her by repeating a French word I’d heard her use but that I had clearly not understood at all. Suffice to say that this was a deal-breaker.)
But no matter what you do, it would be very, very difficult to be any less attractive to women than this dude who left a series of voicemails for a girl he’d approached in the street that range from ludicrously arrogant (”women approach me 6 or 7 times a day”, “your friends were envious of the fact that I approached you”, “I’m very intelligent, I’m great in bed, I make great money”) to horribly pretentious (”I’m working on a movie script”) to completely irrelevant (”I’m Greek”) to absolutely insane (”maybe you didn’t call me back because you were abused in childhood”).
Luckily the lady in question sent these recordings to her local radio show so that the world can learn from this man’s bounteous dating wisdom. Peep lack of game here - only question is whether or not it’s real I suppose, as subsequent research reveals that the guy appears to be a self-professed “pick-up artist”…
I went to see the film ‘3 Miles North of Molkom‘ on Saturday night. It’s a documentary about the No Mind festival in rural Sweden where various loonies and hippies get together for chanting, throat singing, shamanistic ‘de-amouring’, skinny dipping, fire walking, trying desperately to get laid and tree hugging (literally). And it was brilliant, a bit like an extended episode of Brass Eye but for real. You know you’re in for something special when you’re watching people say things like “I’m so sorry to be late for the sharing circle, but I was singing at a lesbian wedding ceremony.”
So Patrick Swayze died yesterday. Now I can’t say I’m a huge fan of Dirty Dancing, but everyone knows that Red Dawn was an absolute banger and if you don’t like Point Break then you might as well just give up now. I happened to watch Red Dawn again recently and it has stood the test of time pretty well, i.e. it’s still ludicrous and brilliant in equal measure. Anyway, in memoriam here’s the trailer plus that centaur tattoo…
